Your child is driving you crazy with her preteen attitude! How should you handle her? As hard as it may seem, try to handle her with respect. When she acts up, keep in mind that:
You should set a good example. The old “because I said so” technique probably doesn't work as well as it did when you were her age. Model the behavior you want to see in your child. When she sees you reason your way to a good decision, she'll be likely to do the same herself.
You shouldn't shame her. When your child messes up, it's natural to be disappointed. But it's not okay to insult her. Saying, “What's wrong with you?” won't improve her behavior - it'll only hurt her.
She can learn from her mistakes. If your child does something wrong, try to see it as a learning opportunity. “You didn't study for your test and you failed. What can you do differently next time?” Talk with your child about her options, and really listen to what she says. Instead of just punishing her, you'll give her a chance to think of a solution.
She may want your input. If your child is struggling with something, she might welcome advice. Ask if you can share one of your experiences. “You know, I had a hard time getting along with my eighth-grade English teacher, too. Would you like to know how I handled it?” Just talk about your experience - don't lecture. On the other hand, if she doesn't want your advice, don't force it on her.
You should let her know when she gets it right. Did your child resolve a situation without misbehaving? Let her know how proud you are of her. “You were angry with your teacher, but you talked to him without losing your temper. Way to go!”
Source: Joanne Baum, LCSW, Ph.D., “Basics of respectful parenting,” SheKnows.com, http://sheknows.com/about/look/2999.htm.
Attending school will help your child avoid trouble
Your child's education can open a world of possibilities, but walking through the school door is the first step. Regular attendance is essential for school success. As important as school success is, it's just one reason why regular attendance is critical. Students who skip school are more likely to:
Fall behind their classmates.
Drop out.
Join a gang.
Use alcohol or illegal drugs.
Get arrested.
You can influence your child to reduce risks and increase his chances for success (unless he is ill or there is an emergency). To keep attendance up:
Make clear to him that you expect him to be in school. Let him know you place a high priority on this.
Have consequences if he is truant. Discuss these with him in advance.
Schedule doctor appointments during non-school hours if possible. If this is truly not possible, write a note to his teachers and the office staff explaining his absence.
Remember that school is his job and don't keep him out of school to work outside the home.
Source: Eileen M. Garry, “Truancy: First Step to a Lifetime of Problems,” Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention, U.S. Department of Justice, www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles/truncy.pdf.
Does your child know that school is important?
Take this quiz to see if you are communicating your family values on the importance of school and education to your child. Write yes if you do something all or most of the time. Write no if you do it rarely or never.
1. I let my child know I am excited and happy for her as she begins a new school year.
2. I tell my child I believe school is her job and it should have a very high priority.
3. I make clear to my child that I expect her to follow school rules.
4. I attend events the school holds for parents, even if my child tells me “no one else's parents are going.”
5. I ask my child specific questions about what she is learning, what parts of school she feels are going well, and what, if anything, I can do to help her.
How well are you doing? Mostly yes answers mean your child realizes you value school and expect her to do the same. Mostly no? Check the quiz for some suggestions on communicating the importance of school.
Source: The September 2006 issue of Parents Still make the difference!® (Middle School Edition) newsletter.
Slowing down will help your child avoid problems
Patience and forethought are not exactly the hallmarks of a child in middle school, as you probably know all too well. Kids this age tend to be impulsive. You may notice that your child acts first, and thinks later. It also tends to be the age when people expect more responsible behavior. Your child can learn to think before she acts. Just know that it will take a lot of practice and may be a test of your patience as well as hers! Help her to:
Wait. Just a few seconds of delay before acting can help your child avoid negative consequences. Pick a phrase your child can practice repeating to herself, such as “Let me think about it,” or “I need to push the pause button.” Remind your child often of this phrase. Praise her when you see her remembering to wait.
Envision. Once your child learns to “push the pause button,” she should then move on to considering her options. The key phrase here is “What will happen if?” What will happen if she joins her friends in cutting class? What will happen if she's an hour late on her curfew?
Envisioning instead of rushing ahead gives your child a preview of consequences. Now she has a better chance of making the right choice.
Write it out. Have her write down some possible consequences. Seeing them written on paper may have a bigger impact.
Source: Neil I. Bernstein, How to Keep Your Teenager Out of Trouble and What to Do If You Can't, ISBN: 0-7611-1570-6 (Workman Publishing Company, Inc., 212/254-5900, www.workman.com).
Mary Susan Hale is the coordinator of the parent/community involvement program for the Middlesboro School System
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